You know how when you have your first heartbreak, you feel as though you’ll never love again? Or at least, have trouble falling in love again?
Well, that was me a while back. While I have been in a couple of relationships, the most recent one hit me the hardest and literally broke my heart for the first time. It took me more than a year to finally get over him and during that time, I always thought… what if I’d always love him? What if I regret my decisions when I’m 90 years old? What if nobody can compare to him?
I’m in a sticky situation. Seeing as I have only one year left in Vancouver, I told myself relationships aren’t worth my time. I wear my heart on my sleeve so I can’t do casual flings and hook up. So, I told myself, no relationship for a year. Plus, I was still healing from my last breakup. I wanted to focus my time and energy on working and school.
One day at work, I met M. He’s an Irish lad currently on a 2 year working visa.
During the first few weeks, I noticed how friendly and close he was to me. I noticed the way he looks at me and the way he talks to me and shares his life with me. I talked to my cousin and she said go for it. Let my guard down and see where this goes.
So, after swearing off men for the year, I let my guard down and started falling for M.
This got a bit rocky and I was texting Sergio, “Did I catch the ‘feelings’? Like, legit, catch the feelings. As in, I think people call these things crushes”.
In which Sergio replied, “Yeah… sounds like you got the feelings. Hard. You’re crushing hard.”
I let my guard down waaaay too low and developed actual feelings. I thought it was all fun and games between the two of us because we have different life paths: I’m moving to NZ and he’s staying in Canada. But I crashed and I’m burning. M. feels the same way about me – he has feelings for me as well BUT he’s still healing from his previous break up as well and he’s still trying to figure out Canada. He told me, “When you’re traveling on your own, you just gotta watch out for yourself”.
My text with Sergio inspired me to write this post. It made me reflect on what it’s like to have a crush again and what it’s like to catch them ‘feelings’.
1. Your mood skyrockets faster than light whenever he’s around. Even if it’s just a 30 minutes lunch period, his presence makes you feel happy.
2. You get jealous because he’s technically not yours yet. I’m not the jealous type when I’m in a relationship BUT I do get jealous when I can’t have what I want. Some girls at work fancy M. as well and it gets me jealous when they’re talking about something they have in common because I know M. isn’t mine. Whereas, if he was mine, I wouldn’t care who talks to him about what.
3. You over analyze everything. Everything. The sentence that just came out of his mouth. His winky face in his text. The moment when he accidentally let ‘babe’ slip from his vocab. How he “accidentally” bumps into you. Everything.
4. Text messages means so much more now. Your mood can go up or down just by texting him. You love seeing his name pop up on your screen but get bummed out when he forgets to text you back.
5. Your days feel a bit off if you don’t talk to him. Even if it’s just a text message, it makes up your day. But 24 hours without hearing from him makes your days feel crappy.
6. His decisions affects your mood. He planning a boys weekend getaway trip? He decides to get a new job and no longer works with you? While it’s his life, you can’t help but feel but a bit unhappy and disappointed with some of his decisions. You know it’s for the best but some of his decisions still makes you feel upset or disappointed because changes are happening between you two.
7. When you remember little details about him. Like how his favourite colour is blue but he doesn’t coordinate everything to match blue. Or how some of his favourite artists are Fleetwood Mac and Dan Steely. And how he got that scar on his left arm, just above his elbow.
8. When he’s happy, you’re happy. When he’s in pain, you’re concerned. His emotions are reflected back into you.
9. How you want to spend every moment with him. I’m not a clingy type but when I have a crush, all I want to do is spend time with them until we’re more serious.
10. When you unconsciously bring his name up in every conversation and it’s written all over your face. You don’t want to talk about your crush but you find yourself doing it anyways. Like his name just rolls off your tongue and slips into the conversation… yet again. How how your expression reflects the way you say his name.
But, they call them crushes for a reason…
Or at least, in my case. My crush for M. is there but I know nothing will happen given our life paths. And, I don’t want to have my heart broken in Vancouver… twice.
Someone sedate me until I wake up with a degree, a one way ticket to New Zealand and a good lookin kiwi lad, please.