Kendel has enough dirt on my dating life that if I ever had a biography written about me, she can probably write the chapters of my love life.
She and I have been talking about the men in our lives which got me reflecting on all the guys I’ve met in my life. You know, the ones that I’ve been in relationships with and the ones that I’ve casually dated.
And let me just tell you… it’s shite. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re great people, I wouldn’t date a douche, but in terms of how things ended up… it makes me question how I chose these guys to be in my life, haha.
+ “The High School Sweetheart”. He was good, attractive, kind, intelligent, etc. etc. buuuut he ended up sexting his ex shortly into our relationship, lied about it to my face, and then pulled a gun on one of my classmates in senior year, and nearly got me expelled. He got a bit clingy, and easily jealous. Yuuup. We tried to move past that and stayed friends until the end of 2011. We talked briefly last summer and went separate ways again.
+ “The Supervisor”. I thought he was charming and was moved by how motivated and ambitious he was; he was my supervisor at one of my previous jobs. He was sweet at first and later on to become a pig. He was abusive (physically, verbally, and sexually). During the time he got married and his wife was overseas, he was messaging me to meet up with him. I haven’t spoken to him in years and last I heard, he’s moved to Calgary.
+ “The Mama’s Boy”. It’s important to me when a man respects his mother, especially as we get older. I can understand a man taking advice and suggestions from his mother, but ultimately the decision is not the mother’s to make. The Mama’s Boy crossed the line between what was sweet to cringeful. He had race cars on his bed sheet. He has a credit card that his mom pays off because he doesn’t work (and doesn’t watch his spending). He asks his mother for pocket money to go out. His mom dictates when his guests leaves the house because it’s close to “bed time”. At one point, he purchased a necklace for his ex but since his mom pays his credit card, she yelled at him for spending that much. Essentially, everytime I went out with him, it was his mother paying for everything. I’m not a gold digger or anything, but I find it unattractive for a man to not work and live off his mother.
+ “The 30-Years-Old Man”. That says it all. He was 30 and I was about 19ish at that time and God knows what was going on in my head at that time. He also had a micro-pee pee…. but honestly, he was 30, stuck in a retail job surrounded by teens. He had one course left, aka 3 credits left in his IT degree but refuses to go back to school to complete it because he “feels too old”… um, sorry but you’re already surrounded by youngsters! 30 years old, still lives with Dad, no savings, stuck at a dead end job, hangs out with teenagers, buys toys/collectibles and dines out nearly everyday. He broke his glasses and still uses tape to keep them together for the past several years.
+“The Heartbreaker”. He had the privilege to be the first to ever break my heart. That being said, he was my first love as well. We broke up because he wasn’t in a position to be in a committed relationship, and he needed time to “get his shit together”. We still talk and hang out and he has improved a lot since we broke up. He has been aggressive around me when he gets piss drunk and he’s been confusing at time (says this, does this, etc. etc.). We’ve been on and off for a while now. It’s confusing because no matter how many times we stop talking, he always kept my number and calls me again and we’re right back in a circle. Since we broken up, he hasn’t been interested in any other girl but me still. A lot of people who know about The Heartbreak and I will comment saying our relationship is just weird and confusing, (and sometimes stressful).
+ “The Irish Lad”. He was so attractive with his Irish accent and bright blue eyes, sweet as a pie, hilarious, and the first guy I genuinely liked (and started to fall for) after The Heartbreaker (and that’s saying something!). We didn’t work out because I’m planning to leave Canada, he’s on a working holiday visa and wants to travel Canada without being held down. It’s a shame because aside from The Heartbreaker, he was the only one I actually pictured a long term relationship with. I think the first person you like after having your heart broken means a lot. The Irish lad really cracked and bruised my heart. We still talk and see each other since we work together as well.
+ “The Guy Next Door”. He was literally my next door neighbourhood. He’s a recovering alcoholic at the age of 22 which a lot of my friends found impressive, telling me he’s serious about changing his life if he checked into rehab at an early age. He was great at first but slowly started to get too clingy (and somewhat flaky) on me. I need a lot of personal space and he was just invading it. 7 calls in a span of 3 hours? Umm, sorry… unless you’re dying, no thanks.
Again, this is not a bashful post. I don’t hate any of these guys, each one taught me something about life or about myself. They’re all wonderful people but their lifestyle and/or habits don’t fit mine. I don’t want a 30 years old man working a dead end job like a teenager nor do I want a mama’s boy but perhaps someone else don’t mind that lifestyle.
A takeaway from the men in my life? I either pick an aggressive one and/or the “I’m not in a position to date” one. It’s funny because you don’t know they are the type of guys that would do that to you until later on when you invested emotions in them. It sucks, but it’s life.
Right now, I don’t even know what I want in life. Regardless of how many dates I’ve been to or how many attractive guys I meet, I can’t find anyone worth dating right now. Oddly enough, I’m the one that’s not in a position to date right now. If we took the excuses of school and New Zealand aside, emotionally, I’m not ready. I feel like I’m still healing from The Heartbreaker and/or The Irish Lad, those two really did a good damage to my heart.
I don’t need time to reflect about myself. I know who I am, and I know what I want in a man. I know my dreams and goals for my future and I’m working towards them. But you can give me an ideal man right in front of me, and I’d still turn him away because I’m just not emotionally ready.
Or he’s not The Heartbreaker or The Irish Lad.
Love is such a complicated thing the older you get….
Or, maybe it’s just my luck and taste in the men I choose to date, LOL.