If you know me in real life, you’ll probably laugh and couldn’t believe that I was once often described as outgoing, fierce, confident, and even intimidating.
Shit, I can’t believe my peers used to describe as that as well!
Now, I’m often told I’m quiet. And you know, I wasn’t born loud and confident either. I was born a quiet and shy person and only started to come out of my shell when I got a job at Best Buy as a sales associate shortly after high school. Ever since that job, I felt like a different person but since turning 24, I sort of fell back to my old ways.
I’m quiet. I’m shy. I care about what people think. I don’t speak with my true voice. I hide my thoughts and opinions. I look down at the sidewalk when I walk. I don’t take as many selfies as I used to, or post videos. I get self-conscious and confused.
That’s not who I am. That was who I was back in high school.
A few months ago, shit hit the fan with Dan and our mutual friends group. I felt really betrayed by everyone in our group and I had enough of that “it wasn’t my place to tell you” bullshit.
During my recovery process, I felt like I needed an answer to the final question from this one girl in our group. I have put it off for nearly a month because I was afraid of her. I was afraid of what she would think about the whole situation. I was afraid of any potential clap back she might give me. I was afraid that she’ll talk behind my back and tell everyone how stupid she thinks I am.
But, I did it anyways and even when she was telling me the answer that I needed to move on and heal, I was still afraid of what she thought and felt about me and the whole situation.
During the recovery process, I also deleted my Facebook and Instagram, and even then I was still afraid and worried about what she would think of my actions. And it’s not just her, I was also afraid of another person in the group. I was scared that they’ll call me out for my actions, calling me immature and dumb. I was prepared to apologize for “going rogue” if I ever decide to log back into FB and Insta.
A few days ago, I saw this quote on Reddit and it hit home.
Why did I care so damn much about what this girl thinks of me? Why did I feel like I needed her approval in my life? If I wanted to delete my social media profiles, I shouldn’t have to explain or apologize why I did it. If she wants to tell people how much drama I am causing in the group, then go be it. I just didn’t know why I cared and worried over that. And it’s not just her but everyone. I don’t want to seek approval from anyone anymore.
After seeing that post, I told myself that I am going to reclaim my confidence. I want to be described as intimidating, confidence, and outgoing. Yeah, I’m quiet because I don’t have much to say but that doesn’t mean I want to lack confidence. People can be quiet and still give a strong aura.
An old friend told me that when you turn 25 and hit the “quarter-life crisis” you start to doubt everything and the confidence starts to wither away but it picks back up later.
I’m ready to pick up my confidence and erase my doubts. I’m tired of trying to please everyone and seek other people’s validating when just two years ago I was a firecracker. I’m tired of being afraid to live my life. I’m tired of being afraid to tell people my thoughts and feelings in fear of what they might think of me.
I’m ready to be my self again, and I’m reading to take a shit ton of videos and selfies.