Several months ago, I decided to unfollow my best friend on social media once and for all. It came about 6 months after I wrote my regrets on losing my childhood best friend but I think the biggest difference between my childhood best friend and this best friend was the fact that my childhood best friend was influenced by peers. This friendship break up was my own decision.
I sat on this decision for ages and even talked to Dan and Jai about it. I tried to give myself the benefit of the doubt but everytime I sent a message or talked about a personal issue, I felt really shitty.
We became friends through blogging. Over time, I started to realize that she stopped commenting on my entries. I didn’t even know if she still read my blog, to be honest. And I know what you’re thinking – seriously, Claire? You’re complaining about blogs? But our friendship was built on blogs and it sucks to see that she comments on other blogs but never your own. It sucks to leave comments to support your friend but never gets reciprocated anymore.
During my time in Australia, I experienced something really horrific and I turned to her for support but she wasn’t there. I sent a voice message and when I did hear back from her, it was regarding a boy in her life with no mention of the experience I just went through. I remember talking to Sophie about it and she encouraged me to share my feelings so instead of cutting my ties then and there, I tried it. I sent a message that said something along the lines of I’m hurt that you brushed over my experience. And it led me to discover that she never even played my voice message and deliberately skipped over it. I didn’t know what hurts more – she brushing it and now acknowledging my situation or she admitting that she never even listened to it.
I brushed it aside but that really stung and it started to make me feel like it was a one-sided friendship. I was always there to listen to her problems and rants, but as the years grow by, I felt like a lot of my messages weren’t being answered.
Throughout my time in SE Asia, Dan and I had another fight and I asked my best friend via voice messages if I was being dumb, was it worth it stay if we always had fights about the same topic, etc. etc. It went unanswered and unread for weeks but yet I saw her online on Facebook tagging others on memes or replying to tags. Eventually, by the time she answered which was 2 weeks, she just said “sorry, I forgot what you said on the previous message.” so I repeated myself and I got a haphazard answered that didn’t offer help or support. And then the same thing happened… 2 weeks without any replies and then said “I forgot what you said”. At that point, I didn’t bother to repeat myself.
I think that was my breaking point. I felt ignored and disrespected to find my messages were going unanswered and then brought back with a half apology to try to bring that topic up again.
When I decided to call it quits, I unfriended her on my social media. The last thing I remember was she sent a voice message that I didn’t bother opening, and she didn’t bother sending a follow up. I archived our conversations so I don’t see it on my app anymore but the memory still lingers.
I don’t know what happened between us. I considered her to be my best friend but throughout 2017-2019, it felt like I was being ignored. I get we are busy but I’m learning from other friends what a good friend should do. Sometimes, I look back at our friendship and think if I should’ve done anything else like speak up once more. I guess when I didn’t open her messages for a while, I took her no-follow up as mutual agreement to end things as well.
I suppose maybe this is one of those friendships that fizzles away over time for no apparent reason. I wish her nothing but the best with her life, career, child and everything in between. It’s just a shame that things came down this way.
I do miss her sometimes, especially when things remind me of our friendship or if her name pops up in a conversation. I’d scroll through pictures where I see her and just cherish that I befriended and visited a stranger halfway across the world… twice. Maybe 2019 wasn’t our year, and maybe sometime down the line, we’ll reach out to each other again, clear things up and catch up. The universe can be funny sometimes.