Oh, how dating has changed…

Modern dating is complex. It’s literally a game that has the default level set to difficult. It’s a game that you can’t cheat – I mean, you can try, but it’ll never work out. It’s a game that will leave you feeling vulnerable, upset, happy, exposed, and everything in between. It’s a game that you can win in a few weeks or months, but for some, it could take years to win.

But you know what? It’s a game worth playing because the prize is worth it.

So, what happens when you’ve played this so-called ‘dating game’ for some time but feel like you’re nowhere near the finish line? It feels like there’s just one level that you’re always dying at and the game throws you back the last saved spot.

Have you ever thought that… maybe it’s not the game, but it’s the player?

Here’s my observation with this dating game and why I think it’s typically the player rather than the game.

*Disclaimer: by no means is this post meant to insult or disrespect anyone single! These are just my opinions and observations on why some girls (and guys) are unsuccessful in dating. This is not to say that every girl needs a man in her life – if you choose to be single, you do you (although, why you’re here is a bit odd). And yes, you’re correct… I don’t have a PhD in modern dating.

You go after a specific type of guy. Girls like to have the mentality that they can change a man (read boy), so they go after anyone…. and I mean, anyone that catches their attention. “Bad boys”? – Yup, I can change them! Friends with benefits? – Yup, I can turn him into my boyfriend! Just friends – I can get out of the friendzone. Stop! You shouldn’t have to change someone in order to be with them! When they’re ready to date, they’re ready. Don’t go around trying to change a guy into a boyfriend material or delusion yourself that they’re interested in a relationship with you.

Also, stop going after immature boys. A man would tell you straight up how he feels about you and what he wants from you. Boys will beat around a bush, and make excuses.

You reap what you sow. You can’t expect to get a boyfriend when you’re still out there seeking casual sex from every attractive guy. I mean, it’s not to say that a friends with benefit can’t transition into a boyfriend (I’ve seen this happen before!), but generally speaking, it’s not going to happen. I believe that the more you do something (in this case, casual sex), the more people will associate you as just someone to have sex with. Not to date, but just to have sex.

It’s different to say you want to have sex and you want a boyfriend. If you want nothing but casual sex, you do you. But you can’t say you want casual sex and proceed to hold out for a boyfriend.

You lack interests. If we met and I asked you what do you do for fun or what are some of your interests and you reply with a shrug and say, “I dunno”… I’m going to roll my eyes. If you’re 20-something years old and you still can’t properly define your interests, how are you going to find a guy that holds similar interests? You know how boring that makes you look? Guys love to see the sparkle in a girl’s eye when she rambles on about her interests.

Go out there and find some hobbies and interests! But, whatever you do, don’t make them up. Find yourself having the same interests as the ten billion other people out there? Elaborate on why you’re interested. Set yourself apart because if you say hiking, beer, and travelling … well, what sets you apart from the other potential dates?

• Read more: 10 Signs to Stop Chasing Someone

Your standards are too high. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have any standards when finding a partner but… maybe you’re asking too much? Yes, there is a guy that’s tall, dark, handsome, funny, kind, with a good education and nice paying job, and gets along well with your family and friends, and surprises you with gifts, and is exactly 6 years older than you… but chances are, it’ll probably take years to find someone that matches ALL your standards. I mean, hey, feel free to wait, it’s not my call to say don’t. But… be realistic with your standards.

It’s not to say go date someone without a career just because he’s handsome and kind. Find what suits you and learn to accept that everyone is flawed. If he crosses off the majority of the things you look for in a partner but has one or two things that you’re not keen on, learn to live and love those flaws. Don’t brush someone off just because they didn’t tick ALL your boxes.

Guys judge on appearance. Let’s be real – physical attraction is what gets us talking to people. Majority of the guys I’m friends with, past and present, all had one thing they like about their significant other, or their crush(es) – casual and simple. They love the simple jeans and tee look, or the hair down, settle make up look. When they see that, they see someone that’s lowkey, casual, and relaxing to be with. They also appreciate it when girls put effort into their appearance, but if you’re always dressed up with heels and heavy make up, and carrying only designer bags – guys are probably going to think you’re high maintenance.

If it’s the weekends or after work, ditch the high heels and your $600 dress, and change into a $60 sneakers and a $10 tee. Wipe off that excessive make up and put on some blush and mascara – that’s it. Don’t be dressing in rags and not giving a damn, but just play with your wardrobe a bit and realize that less is more.

You’re desperate. This may sound harsh but there are girls out there that are simply desperate to be in a relationship, and you know what? It shows… and it’s a turn off for a lot of people. Desperation is never a good accessory to wear.

You’re insecure. Similar to desperation, insecurity shows through. There’s nothing worse than seeing someone that doesn’t love themselves. I don’t mean it in a superficial way – I mean it as, you don’t love yourself enough to feel confident about your body and personality; you don’t love yourself enough to respect your space and feel independent. You get overly jealous over little things.

It’s cliche but learn to love yourself before you love someone else. Insecurities in relationships are unhealthy.

Your name mind as well be Negative Nancy. Nobody enjoys being around negative energy, so shut up. It’s okay to moan and complain about things here and there, but to do it constantly to the point where everyone just thinks you’re bitter and angry at the world is another. Be happy. Change your perspective on things and stop complaining so much.

And, sometimes… it’s just your personality. Here’s the thing – you can have interests, looks, and all that but bottom line, your personality could suck. That’s the reality. But, you can change your personality. It’s not a set permanent thing. Maybe you’re waaaaay too obnoxious? Borderline rude and not sassy? Personality plays a huuuuuge factor in attracting the opposite sex and if your personality is shite… well, the game just got harder.

• Read more: My “Luck” in Men

Still with me? I don’t blame you if you mentally just cursed at me right now.

Dating is fun but I think a lot of girls (and even the guys I know) tend to blame the game rather than themselves. Don’t get me wrong – things like Tinder, open relationships, careers, travelling, etc. are all valid reasons that can prevent or make it harder to win this dating game but it’s not near impossible to find someone to date in this modern age.

I don’t hate the dating game – I’ve had my fair shares of being rejected, but I truly believe it’s how we portray ourselves out there that determines whether we have a chance at winning the game or not.

But, hey… like I said earlier – this is just my opinions and every game is different! Best of luck!

This is a very cliche title, and I hate it. So, you and I both have to suffer through this cringe-worthy title post until one of us comes up with a better title.

I think it’s with safe measures to introduce someone special in my life without me having to become a 33 years old newlywed next week (read Sam). Trust me, after that blew up, I’m playing it on the safe side before I announce anything.

This is Dan and he’s my boyfriend. He’s a few years older than me and is a personal trainer (yuuuuus)… For those who have followed me/us on Instagram or see us on Facebook but don’t know how we came about, well… it’s story time.

Ready? Got a cuppa in hand? (<— that means a cup of tea in British slang).

As everyone knows, I used to work at a gym. In the late summer of 2016, I left that job in pursuit of a recruiting assistant position to kickstart my career. Shortly after I left, my manager decided to hire a few more staffs and Dan was one of them.

I remember the first time I saw Dan when I stopped by the gym a few days after starting my new job – I saw him for a few seconds and was immediately curious about him; however, I saw him as I was exiting the gym so I didn’t stick around to inquire or anything. During this time, I was also casually seeing Sam (oh boy, are you guys in for a treat when I talk about Sam). On a few of our dates, Sam and I would go biking on the seawall and I still got free bike rentals from the gym, despite not working there anymore. One evening, we took the bikes out past 8pm (the closing time for the bike shop) so I had to go to the gym to ask for the keys to the shop next door.

Dan was standing at the front desk, studying from a textbook when I came in and asked for the keys. He was focused on his book but it was the first time I got a glimpse of him and boy, my curiosity from the first time I saw him just kicked into full gear. Now, you’re probably thinking, Claire, you’re seeing Sam… wth? and yes, while I was seeing Sam and he was great and cute, I was still accepting a few things that typically turns me off from a guy. I think the fact that I was never fully 100% attracted to Sam made me eye Dan when I technically shouldn’t have. At this point, I think I also texted a few a girls to ask who the new guy was.

Sam and I were no longer a ‘thing’ shortly after in mid-September… and while it did bruise me a bit, I got over it within a week. September, I also finished my undergrad as well and my parents decided it’d be a fun trip to head over to China for a month.

Let’s fast forward through October 2016 where I was overseas for a month.

After my trip in November, I realized – I’m jobless, broke, and need money to pay bills asap. My recruiter gig didn’t work out for me because it was commission-based and really boring. The gym was the only resort left that would allow me to get a job asap. After a bit of debating, I sucked up my ego and went down to the gym to ask the new manager about getting my job back. Luckily, he was looking to hire and he knew of me.

When I walked out of that meeting with the new manager, I instantly texted Madison and Kat and asked about Dan – mainly if they knew he was single or not. And, to make sure he wasn’t talking to another girl.

Their response? “Dan’s the most single guy on this earth that I know”.

Score!

Now, when I see someone I really like and want to get to know, I’m not shy or afraid to make conversation. I really had my eyes out for Dan so, during the first two weeks of working at the gym again, I talked to Dan. We made conversation and we got to know each other. I was literally having a school girl crush on him, and I haven’t felt this way about someone in ages – we’re talking about full on blushing and butterflies in your stomach.

We flirted a bit throughout work as well. And, yes, I like to meet people at work because hell, where else would I meet potential dates? At one point, it was Laura’s birthday party and he said he would come after the UFC fight. He stopped by briefly for a moment to see everyone and wish Laura a happy birthday before leaving. I was upset, not going to lie because I was looking forward to seeing him there. When I asked him about that night later, he said his best friend was drunk AF, and he felt ditching the two of them was wrong. Fair enough, I supposed.

On Remembrance Day, I asked Dan out to the Christmas Market. I remember this day because I was working a bank holiday. He came in for a workout around noon-ish and all I could remember was smiling like an idiot and blushing when he came in. I casually asked him to the Christmas Market which was two weeks away and he agreed. A few moments after that, I realized… well, shit… I gotta wait two weeks to go on this date with him.

Sometime mid next week, I found followed Dan into the staff room – I was getting off work and he was having another food break. I have a sushi tattoo on my inner arm and when I took off my uniform jacket, he got a glimpse of it and we eventually talked about our mutual love for sushi.

He asked me if I wanted to go grab some lunch this weekend with him. Umm… why not?! We made plans but at that time, his phone was broken so he technically didn’t have a working phone so we never exchanged numbers. He said, “I’ll add you on Facebook…. I’ll just find you through Kat’s friends list or something.”

So, I waited. And waited. And waited. It was at night time when he sent the friend request and I honestly couldn’t stop smiling over that little notification that popped up… it’s so silly, isn’t it? I texted the girls and Kat said, “It’s literally just a friend request…”, but it felt like an exchange of numbers seeing as it’s his way of communicating.

A day before Saturday, and then a few hours before meeting up, I was extremely nervous. I thought he would bail out or took this lunch thing as a friends only because… who goes on lunch dates? Friends do. Not romantic partners. The girls reassured me that Dan is a nice guy and someone that follows through with plans and wouldn’t bail or stand me up. They also told me that Dan likes me and it’s definitely not a friends thing.

#OOTD for date.

Our first date was over brunch at Trattoria because the sushi spot was closed for lunch (lame). Everyone at work knew about our date. He asked to hang out some more throughout the week until the weekend rolled around, aka the weekend of the Christmas Market, our original first date.

That weekend, he was working so I stopped by the gym around the time when he’d be off. The Christmas Market was help upstairs so it was fine. When I came by, he was surprised. It turns out, he wasn’t aware we were going to the market… I mean, he knew we were at some point but he didn’t know it was this weekend. But, he dropped all his plans and agreed to come out with me.

Here’s the kicker: before entering the market, he pulled me aside. He said something along the lines of “I like you, but I don’t want anything serious. I want to see you exclusively but just nothing serious.”

Let me tell you – my disappointment was through the roof at that moment. I put on a smile and nodded but it left me disappointed. You know how many times I’ve heard that from someone that I liked? It sucks. It sucks even more when you really wanted to date this guy.

I mean, we still had a great time at the market. He was the first one of us to ask to take a selfie (on the carousel)… which also got me extremely confused seeing as you normally don’t want to take a picture after telling the girl you don’t want anything serious…

First picture together at the Christmas Market.

Girls talk. We do. I talked to the girls at work about the incident and the unison response was, “…what? That makes no sense… How can he ask to see your exclusively without it being serious?”

That sentence boggled me for the longest time. Colleagues that worked with him longer than I have told me that it’s probably a miscommunication mixed with emotions and awkwardness. One of them even suggested I don’t waste any time with him anymore because he just wasn’t serious.

(When asked about this later, he agreed that it was a miscommunication).

In December, I met his best friends and they’re a great bunch of people. I don’t think I’ve ever clicked with any of my previous exes’ friends like this. At times, I still feel like I’m an outsider but for the most part, they’ve accepted me into their group and I’m so blessed and fortunate to call these people friends as well.

We moved in together in March 2017 when his roommate left abruptly. It was good timing as well because at that point of my life, I was looking to move out but didn’t want to live with a complete stranger and none of my friends was moving out either.

I eventually came to meet his brother and father as well. He met my mum too.

We then signed a lease together in May 2017.

And now, we’re due to celebrate our one year anniversary in November 2017!

tldr: Dan and I met at work and started dating in November 2016. We moved in together in March 2017. Signed our first lease together in May 2017. Going to celebrate our one year anniversary in November 2017.

Ladies, if you see someone you like – don’t ever hesitate to make the first move!

Last weekend, my friend and I had a talk about relationship problems. It was refreshing to hear a guy’s perspective because it’s often times that women are in this predicament.

I’m sure you’re all familiar with this scenario. Where two individuals see each other but it’s not been defined and he/she is starting to give the other person mixed signals. One person seems to be giving more than the other. One person is starting to get confused and stressed out.

I’ve been on both spectrum of this scenario. I’ve been a victim and I’ve been the one that was “playing” the guy as well. Both is not a fun place to be, especially if you’re the one relentlessly chasing the other person.

From my experiences (and from my friend’s experiences), here are a few signs it’s time to walk away:

1. Their texts/calls is sporadic
Granted, we all work or go to school and have lives of our owns but if you start to notice that your “partner”‘s texts is now disappearing and you’re lucky to get even one text throughout the day, there’s an issue. Nobody is that busy to not be able to return a text. Yeah, it may take a few hours but at the end of the day, their texts come through and there’s a decent conversation going on throughout the day. If you know that individual usually has their phone on them and you sort of know what their schedule is like and you don’t hear from them for the entire day… well…

2. It’s always at midnight
… and when they do text you back, it’s near midnight when all you want to do is go to sleep. And when you do respond to their text, they disappear for another hour or so and get back to you when you’re already asleep.

3. Cancelled plans
They seem enthusiastic at first but when the time comes, you receive a text saying “something came up” and they ask to reschedule, only the rescheduling never happens.

4. Or really late plans
Or, they sometimes want to hang out at 10pm, 11pm or 12am. You know what we call that? A booty call.


5. You’re always the one initiating the conversation/events
If you look back at your texts and you notice that you’re the one always coming up with something to do or starting the conversation, that is a sign that you’re not on their mind as often anymore.


6. You know more of their excuses than you know of their week
I told my friend, if they really care about you, they’ll find the time in their schedule to see you. No one is ever THAT busy. Especially if they have time to go out with their friends on a Friday night.

7. There’s an elephant in the room
After a while, when you two do meet up, you feel there’s an elephant in the room but none of you guys want to address it and just live in the moment because after not seeing them for so long, you tell yourself, everything is ok. It’s not. When you’re with someone, it should feel nice, loving, comfortable, etc. There shouldn’t be any lingering doubts in the room or in the back of your mind.

8. Internally, you know what to do
You feel something about the “relationship” is off. You feel you know what you should do. Your tolerance is up with all their excuses and behaviours, but you don’t want to admit to reality. Your heart is telling you the truth but your mind is trying so hard to fight it off. Both your mind and heart should be on the same page.

9. You’ve started doubting already
My manager once told me, if you’re looking for a job already, you want to leave. My friend once told me, if you doubt [that t-shirt], you don’t want it enough.

So, I believe, if you’ve had doubts for a long period of time already, you know what you have to do. Yes, it’s natural to doubt your relationship and your partner once in a blue moon, but not to have it linger around you and affect your daily life.

10. You want more
You want more than what your partner gives you because you’re not getting the love you deserve. 

I’ve been on this end before and it sucks. But if you face reality, end it, and move on, it’s sooooo much better. You feel free. You feel refreshed. You feel motivated. You feel like nothing to holding you back. Yes, it’s going to hurt for a while, but it does get easier! And yes, it’s easier said that done, but trust me… you’ll feel so much happier.

Relationships are always troubling, but even if you found the “perfect” person, what good does it do if you guys aren’t moving forward? If you always have these lingering feelings in the back of your mind? I’d rather spend time with myself and meet someone that can progress with me in the long run than cause me this heartache and confusion.

I told my friend, if Obama has time for Michelle, she can have time for you. The biggest sign for me to stop chasing someone is their sporadic texts. I know because I use to ignore texts or take hours (and days) to get back to someone I’m not particularly fond of.

In the end, if you know that this “relationship” isn’t going anywhere… get back to reality sooner than later. Focus the energy on someone that can progress your career, life and/or ambitions. You shouldn’t waste your energy and time on someone that doesn’t want your love. There’s someone out there that can give you the world without the confusion.

Kendel has enough dirt on my dating life that if I ever had a biography written about me, she can probably write the chapters of my love life.

She and I have been talking about the men in our lives which got me reflecting on all the guys I’ve met in my life. You know, the ones that I’ve been in relationships with and the ones that I’ve casually dated.

And let me just tell you… it’s shite. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re great people, I wouldn’t date a douche, but in terms of how things ended up… it makes me question how I chose these guys to be in my life, haha.

+ “The High School Sweetheart”. He was good, attractive, kind, intelligent, etc. etc. buuuut he ended up sexting his ex shortly into our relationship, lied about it to my face, and then pulled a gun on one of my classmates in senior year, and nearly got me expelled. He got a bit clingy, and easily jealous. Yuuup. We tried to move past that and stayed friends until the end of 2011. We talked briefly last summer and went separate ways again.

+ “The Supervisor”. I thought he was charming and was moved by how motivated and ambitious he was; he was my supervisor at one of my previous jobs. He was sweet at first and later on to become a pig. He was abusive (physically, verbally, and sexually). During the time he got married and his wife was overseas, he was messaging me to meet up with him. I haven’t spoken to him in years and last I heard, he’s moved to Calgary.

+ “The Mama’s Boy”.  It’s important to me when a man respects his mother, especially as we get older. I can understand a man taking advice and suggestions from his mother, but ultimately the decision is not the mother’s to make. The Mama’s Boy crossed the line between what was sweet to cringeful. He had race cars on his bed sheet. He has a credit card that his mom pays off because he doesn’t work (and doesn’t watch his spending). He asks his mother for pocket money to go out. His mom dictates when his guests leaves the house because it’s close to “bed time”. At one point, he purchased a necklace for his ex but since his mom pays his credit card, she yelled at him for spending that much. Essentially, everytime I went out with him, it was his mother paying for everything. I’m not a gold digger or anything, but I find it unattractive for a man to not work and live off his mother.

+ “The 30-Years-Old Man”. That says it all. He was 30 and I was about 19ish at that time and God knows what was going on in my head at that time. He also had a micro-pee pee…. but honestly, he was 30, stuck in a retail job surrounded by teens. He had one course left, aka 3 credits left in his IT degree but refuses to go back to school to complete it because he “feels too old”… um, sorry but you’re already surrounded by youngsters! 30 years old, still lives with Dad, no savings, stuck at a dead end job, hangs out with teenagers, buys toys/collectibles and dines out nearly everyday. He broke his glasses and still uses tape to keep them together for the past several years.

+“The Heartbreaker”. He had the privilege to be the first to ever break my heart. That being said, he was my first love as well. We broke up because he wasn’t in a position to be in a committed relationship, and he needed time to “get his shit together”. We still talk and hang out and he has improved a lot since we broke up. He has been aggressive around me when he gets piss drunk and he’s been confusing at time (says this, does this, etc. etc.). We’ve been on and off for a while now. It’s confusing because no matter how many times we stop talking, he always kept my number and calls me again and we’re right back in a circle. Since we broken up, he hasn’t been interested in any other girl but me still. A lot of people who know about The Heartbreak and I will comment saying our relationship is just weird and confusing, (and sometimes stressful).

+ “The Irish Lad”. He was so attractive with his Irish accent and bright blue eyes, sweet as a pie, hilarious, and the first guy I genuinely liked (and started to fall for) after The Heartbreaker (and that’s saying something!). We didn’t work out because I’m planning to leave Canada, he’s on a working holiday visa and wants to travel Canada without being held down. It’s a shame because aside from The Heartbreaker, he was the only one I actually pictured a long term relationship with. I think the first person you like after having your heart broken means a lot. The Irish lad really cracked and bruised my heart. We still talk and see each other since we work together as well.

+ “The Guy Next Door”. He was literally my next door neighbourhood. He’s a recovering alcoholic at the age of 22 which a lot of my friends found impressive, telling me he’s serious about changing his life if he checked into rehab at an early age. He was great at first but slowly started to get too clingy (and somewhat flaky) on me. I need a lot of personal space and he was just invading it. 7 calls in a span of 3 hours? Umm, sorry… unless you’re dying, no thanks.

Again, this is not a bashful post. I don’t hate any of these guys, each one taught me something about life or about myself. They’re all wonderful people but their lifestyle and/or habits don’t fit mine. I don’t want a 30 years old man working a dead end job like a teenager nor do I want a mama’s boy but perhaps someone else don’t mind that lifestyle.

A takeaway from the men in my life? I either pick an aggressive one and/or the “I’m not in a position to date” one. It’s funny because you don’t know they are the type of guys that would do that to you until later on when you invested emotions in them. It sucks, but it’s life.

Right now, I don’t even know what I want in life. Regardless of how many dates I’ve been to or how many attractive guys I meet, I can’t find anyone worth dating right now. Oddly enough, I’m the one that’s not in a position to date right now. If we took the excuses of school and New Zealand aside, emotionally, I’m not ready. I feel like I’m still healing from The Heartbreaker and/or The Irish Lad, those two really did a good damage to my heart.

I don’t need time to reflect about myself. I know who I am, and I know what I want in a man. I know my dreams and goals for my future and I’m working towards them. But you can give me an ideal man right in front of me, and I’d still turn him away because I’m just not emotionally ready.
Or he’s not The Heartbreaker or The Irish Lad.
Love is such a complicated thing the older you get….

Or, maybe it’s just my luck and taste in the men I choose to date, LOL.