My "Luck" in Men

Kendel has enough dirt on my dating life that if I ever had a biography written about me, she can probably write the chapters of my love life.

She and I have been talking about the men in our lives which got me reflecting on all the guys I’ve met in my life. You know, the ones that I’ve been in relationships with and the ones that I’ve casually dated.

And let me just tell you… it’s shite. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re great people, I wouldn’t date a douche, but in terms of how things ended up… it makes me question how I chose these guys to be in my life, haha.

+ “The High School Sweetheart”. He was good, attractive, kind, intelligent, etc. etc. buuuut he ended up sexting his ex shortly into our relationship, lied about it to my face, and then pulled a gun on one of my classmates in senior year, and nearly got me expelled. He got a bit clingy, and easily jealous. Yuuup. We tried to move past that and stayed friends until the end of 2011. We talked briefly last summer and went separate ways again.

+ “The Supervisor”. I thought he was charming and was moved by how motivated and ambitious he was; he was my supervisor at one of my previous jobs. He was sweet at first and later on to become a pig. He was abusive (physically, verbally, and sexually). During the time he got married and his wife was overseas, he was messaging me to meet up with him. I haven’t spoken to him in years and last I heard, he’s moved to Calgary.

+ “The Mama’s Boy”.  It’s important to me when a man respects his mother, especially as we get older. I can understand a man taking advice and suggestions from his mother, but ultimately the decision is not the mother’s to make. The Mama’s Boy crossed the line between what was sweet to cringeful. He had race cars on his bed sheet. He has a credit card that his mom pays off because he doesn’t work (and doesn’t watch his spending). He asks his mother for pocket money to go out. His mom dictates when his guests leaves the house because it’s close to “bed time”. At one point, he purchased a necklace for his ex but since his mom pays his credit card, she yelled at him for spending that much. Essentially, everytime I went out with him, it was his mother paying for everything. I’m not a gold digger or anything, but I find it unattractive for a man to not work and live off his mother.

+ “The 30-Years-Old Man”. That says it all. He was 30 and I was about 19ish at that time and God knows what was going on in my head at that time. He also had a micro-pee pee…. but honestly, he was 30, stuck in a retail job surrounded by teens. He had one course left, aka 3 credits left in his IT degree but refuses to go back to school to complete it because he “feels too old”… um, sorry but you’re already surrounded by youngsters! 30 years old, still lives with Dad, no savings, stuck at a dead end job, hangs out with teenagers, buys toys/collectibles and dines out nearly everyday. He broke his glasses and still uses tape to keep them together for the past several years.

+“The Heartbreaker”. He had the privilege to be the first to ever break my heart. That being said, he was my first love as well. We broke up because he wasn’t in a position to be in a committed relationship, and he needed time to “get his shit together”. We still talk and hang out and he has improved a lot since we broke up. He has been aggressive around me when he gets piss drunk and he’s been confusing at time (says this, does this, etc. etc.). We’ve been on and off for a while now. It’s confusing because no matter how many times we stop talking, he always kept my number and calls me again and we’re right back in a circle. Since we broken up, he hasn’t been interested in any other girl but me still. A lot of people who know about The Heartbreak and I will comment saying our relationship is just weird and confusing, (and sometimes stressful).

+ “The Irish Lad”. He was so attractive with his Irish accent and bright blue eyes, sweet as a pie, hilarious, and the first guy I genuinely liked (and started to fall for) after The Heartbreaker (and that’s saying something!). We didn’t work out because I’m planning to leave Canada, he’s on a working holiday visa and wants to travel Canada without being held down. It’s a shame because aside from The Heartbreaker, he was the only one I actually pictured a long term relationship with. I think the first person you like after having your heart broken means a lot. The Irish lad really cracked and bruised my heart. We still talk and see each other since we work together as well.

+ “The Guy Next Door”. He was literally my next door neighbourhood. He’s a recovering alcoholic at the age of 22 which a lot of my friends found impressive, telling me he’s serious about changing his life if he checked into rehab at an early age. He was great at first but slowly started to get too clingy (and somewhat flaky) on me. I need a lot of personal space and he was just invading it. 7 calls in a span of 3 hours? Umm, sorry… unless you’re dying, no thanks.

Again, this is not a bashful post. I don’t hate any of these guys, each one taught me something about life or about myself. They’re all wonderful people but their lifestyle and/or habits don’t fit mine. I don’t want a 30 years old man working a dead end job like a teenager nor do I want a mama’s boy but perhaps someone else don’t mind that lifestyle.

A takeaway from the men in my life? I either pick an aggressive one and/or the “I’m not in a position to date” one. It’s funny because you don’t know they are the type of guys that would do that to you until later on when you invested emotions in them. It sucks, but it’s life.

Right now, I don’t even know what I want in life. Regardless of how many dates I’ve been to or how many attractive guys I meet, I can’t find anyone worth dating right now. Oddly enough, I’m the one that’s not in a position to date right now. If we took the excuses of school and New Zealand aside, emotionally, I’m not ready. I feel like I’m still healing from The Heartbreaker and/or The Irish Lad, those two really did a good damage to my heart.

I don’t need time to reflect about myself. I know who I am, and I know what I want in a man. I know my dreams and goals for my future and I’m working towards them. But you can give me an ideal man right in front of me, and I’d still turn him away because I’m just not emotionally ready.
Or he’s not The Heartbreaker or The Irish Lad.
Love is such a complicated thing the older you get….

Or, maybe it’s just my luck and taste in the men I choose to date, LOL.

Why I Ignore You on Online Dating

Guys, I ventured off into the world of online dating after reading about modern romance. And, to be honest, I don’t even know why…

I’m in a position where I don’t know what I want. I’m still talking to Sukh and Rob. My feelings are jumbled up and nowhere to be found for the most part. I distance myself from potential dates. Everything. I just don’t know what I want, if I’m being honest.

But, nonetheless, I hopped on to OKCupid to see what the dating pool is like.

And, at first, a lot of attractive guys were on there but their profiles were empty or their photos were too “professional” which leads me to think that OKCupid may have thrown in some filler accounts to attract female daters.

It’s been nearly two days since I opened my account, filled the details and uploaded my photos. And, my inbox has been filled with messages from guys that turn me off instantly.

I’d ignore your message if…

  • You are under 22. My profile says message me if you’re at least 22 years old. I sometimes talk to 21 years old in case they got a late birthday, but for the most part, automatically deleting your messages if you’re under 22.
  • You’re over 27-28. Similar to above, if you’re older than what I’m looking for, I don’t open your message.
  • You don’t type properly. I’m not asking for academic paragraphs, but if you send me “wbu?” or “how was ur day” and “ur cute”, I think you need a dictionary, not a date.
  • You ask dumb questions. If my profile says I’m still in school wrapping up my last few semesters… it means I’m still in school. Did you not read my profile?
  • You can’t hold a conversation. If you constantly ask how my day is going and nothing else, bye bye.
  • If your profile is empty and/or has no profile picture.
  • If your profile picture is just… bleh.
  • If you’re not my “type”. This may sound shallow, but don’t deny you don’t do this. I delete messages from people who I don’t find attractive and never will. I don’t have time to waste.
  • Your profile is rude or plainly not what I look for in a guy. I’m not interested in cosplay, anime, or things like that. If you enjoy those hobbies, that’s great but I can’t do that.
  • If your messages are too sexual.

I’m a picky dater, I’d be honest. But being picky is good. I’d rather hold out for someone I know I can have a future with rather than wasting my time meeting up with people I know would go nowhere.

Key takeaway?

Take good photos, use proper grammar and words, aaaaaaaaaand, read their profile!

10 Signs You Caught the "Feelings"

You know how when you have your first heartbreak, you feel as though you’ll never love again? Or at least, have trouble falling in love again?

Well, that was me a while back. While I have been in a couple of relationships, the most recent one hit me the hardest and literally broke my heart for the first time. It took me more than a year to finally get over him and during that time, I always thought… what if I’d always love him? What if I regret my decisions when I’m 90 years old? What if nobody can compare to him?

I’m in a sticky situation. Seeing as I have only one year left in Vancouver, I told myself relationships aren’t worth my time. I wear my heart on my sleeve so I can’t do casual flings and hook up. So, I told myself, no relationship for a year. Plus, I was still healing from my last breakup. I wanted to focus my time and energy on working and school.

One day at work, I met M. He’s an Irish lad currently on a 2 year working visa.

During the first few weeks, I noticed how friendly and close he was to me. I noticed the way he looks at me and the way he talks to me and shares his life with me. I talked to my cousin and she said go for it. Let my guard down and see where this goes.

So, after swearing off men for the year, I let my guard down and started falling for M.

This got a bit rocky and I was texting Sergio, “Did I catch the ‘feelings’? Like, legit, catch the feelings. As in, I think people call these things crushes”.

In which Sergio replied, “Yeah… sounds like you got the feelings. Hard. You’re crushing hard.”

I let my guard down waaaay too low and developed actual feelings. I thought it was all fun and games between the two of us because we have different life paths: I’m moving to NZ and he’s staying in Canada. But I crashed and I’m burning. M. feels the same way about me – he has feelings for me as well BUT he’s still healing from his previous break up as well and he’s still trying to figure out Canada. He told me, “When you’re traveling on your own, you just gotta watch out for yourself”.

My text with Sergio inspired me to write this post. It made me reflect on what it’s like to have a crush again and what it’s like to catch them ‘feelings’.

1. Your mood skyrockets faster than light whenever he’s around. Even if it’s just a 30 minutes lunch period, his presence makes you feel happy.

2. You get jealous because he’s technically not yours yet. I’m not the jealous type when I’m in a relationship BUT I do get jealous when I can’t have what I want. Some girls at work fancy M. as well and it gets me jealous when they’re talking about something they have in common because I know M. isn’t mine. Whereas, if he was mine, I wouldn’t care who talks to him about what.

3. You over analyze everything. Everything. The sentence that just came out of his mouth. His winky face in his text. The moment when he accidentally let ‘babe’ slip from his vocab. How he “accidentally” bumps into you. Everything.

4. Text messages means so much more now. Your mood can go up or down just by texting him. You love seeing his name pop up on your screen but get bummed out when he forgets to text you back.

5. Your days feel a bit off if you don’t talk to him. Even if it’s just a text message, it makes up your day. But 24 hours without hearing from him makes your days feel crappy.

6. His decisions affects your mood. He planning a boys weekend getaway trip? He decides to get a new job and no longer works with you? While it’s his life, you can’t help but feel but a bit unhappy and disappointed with some of his decisions. You know it’s for the best but some of his decisions still makes you feel upset or disappointed because changes are happening between you two.

7. When you remember little details about him. Like how his favourite colour is blue but he doesn’t coordinate everything to match blue. Or how some of his favourite artists are Fleetwood Mac and Dan Steely. And how he got that scar on his left arm, just above his elbow.

8. When he’s happy, you’re happy. When he’s in pain, you’re concerned. His emotions are reflected back into you.

9. How you want to spend every moment with him. I’m not a clingy type but when I have a crush, all I want to do is spend time with them until we’re more serious.

10. When you unconsciously bring his name up in every conversation and it’s written all over your face. You don’t want to talk about your crush but you find yourself doing it anyways. Like his name just rolls off your tongue and slips into the conversation… yet again. How how your expression reflects the way you say his name.

But, they call them crushes for a reason…

Or at least, in my case. My crush for M. is there but I know nothing will happen given our life paths. And, I don’t want to have my heart broken in Vancouver… twice.

Someone sedate me until I wake up with a degree, a one way ticket to New Zealand and a good lookin kiwi lad, please.

#needzmedicationtocuremyfeelingsasap

The Problem with 'Half Liking' Someone

You like the next person that comes into your life.

“Half liking” someone is dangerous.

You think you like them, but you’re not ready to fully jump into a relationship with him. You accept his habits and interests despite the fact that if someone else had them, you’d be turned off. He makes a great friend, someone you can hold a conversation and trust.

You wonder if he’s a rebound. I mean, if you didn’t consider him as dating potential, why now?

You get comfortable. You may have even daydreamed what it’s like to date him. You get bummed out when he doesn’t reply to your texts.

But, it’s dangerous.

It’s dangerous because the moment someone else walks into your life, you’d easily develop feelings for the new guy. Because “half liking” is like dipping your toes in the water. Yes, there’s a potential to jump into the lake once you get the feeling of the water and enjoy it. But, there’s also the possibility of jumping into the lake because someone else is in the lake. Not your special friend, just someone else.

Someone that has the passion and spark that your friend doesn’t. And probably would never have.

My friend once told me, if there’s no spark the moment you meet… there’ll be someone else to ignite you.

Too Close for Comfort (First Date Turn Off)

This happened once upon a time ago.

I met this guy, we’ll call him… Ian.
Ian and I hit it off very well. Conversation was flowing, no awkward silence, and mutual interests.

The first day we met, he ended up kissing me. A little bit by surprise buuuut what the hell, it happened. We agreed to go for a movie next week.

Fast forward a next few days we met up again on Tuesday. Keep in mind, this is our second time out together.

Like everyone else, the first thing we do is hug each other… that’s pretty common, I do that with a lot of my friends. And then he kisses me on the cheek :/ this makes me irk.

After purchasing our tickets, we were deciding which popcorn drink combo to buy. I was facing the boards, and his body was turned sideways, facing me.

Seriously, the next thing I know, he has his arm around me and starts moving closer to my face. Like, it looked like he was sniffing my hair and then trying to bury his face in my shoulder.

C’mon, buddy.. .we’re choosing a popcorn combo, NOT trying to get sexy time. I’m not oppose to PDA but it’s not the right time, you know? We’re trying to get food!

After the movies, we went to Chapters, a big bookstore. We got to the section where it’s a bit more empty because no one goes towards the New Age and philosophy section. Plus, it was late in the evening already.

So, I’m just browsing books when he’s behind me and literally starts putting his hands underneath my hoodie.

Now, let me tell you one thing. It’s cold, so naturally I wore a cami underneath my hoodie (normally I don’t wear anything) and tucked it into my jeans because the cami was longer than my hoodie.

THANK GOD FOR THAT CAMI FOR BREAKING THE SKIN TO SKIN CONTACT! He pulled away shortly when I moved to another section. Again, he comes up from behind, puts his hand underneath my hoodie, and starts kissing my ear.

Ugh, seriously, we’re in a PUBLIC BOOKSTORE. Not even a taxi! It’s not a “private” place or like a quiet corner at a club. We’re in a bookstore with people browsing for good books.

I told him no and he instantly pulls away like he’s just woken up. That’s want I noticed. Ian is like in a daze when he gets touchy and pulls away like he’s done something wrong.

This is a huge turn off for me. I don’t mind if a guy is touchy if we’re in a relationship. I don’t mind being touchy in public if it’s in a quiet/private area.

But honestly, second time meeting up and your hands are all over me? I would be extremely uncomfortable if I didn’t have my cami on. I cringe just thinking about the possibility of skin to skin at the bookstore.

Ian told me he’s a touchy type but I didn’t think he was THAT touchy. I was so embarrassed by the way he acted when we were in the theaters and can’t even imagine what the security cameras must look like at Chapters.

Sorry, Ian buuuut… being that touchy after knowing each other for only a 1.5 weeks is such a turn off!

And, when we parted ways, he kissed me a few times, it was even disgusting for me to do that in public. A quick kiss is okay, but ughhhh stop kissing me like 10 times just to part ways!

Things Relationships Has Taught Me

1. Value your current friendships.
Here’s what I believe – there’s no point in having a boyfriend/girlfriend, if you lose friends on the way. I’ve learned this the hard way. With my first boyfriend, I neglected a lot of my best friends but thankfully most of them forgave me. However, my ex-best friend neglected us to the point where she lost all four of us as friends and “can’t understand why”.

Don’t be like my ex-best friend. Learn to balance friendships and relationship and have them intertwine. Whenever I date someone, my best friends and my boyfriend will always meet and I include them on plans. I have friends that separate and never introduce each other. Personally, I don’t believe that and I think it’s unfair to both parties. I’m not saying that you should have to include both parties in everything you do, but it’s healthy to include both parties from time to time. It’s also healthy to spend time with your girlfriends with no mention about your boyfriend.

2. Learn when to walk away.
This is harder said than done but trust me on this one. It’s better for your own heart and soul to walk away now than to endure a bigger pain in the future. I wish I knew this in my older relationships. From then on, I respect myself more. If a guy decides to lie or cheat, I’d walk away. I don’t need someone like that in my life to “love me”. A little white lie is acceptable but a full on lie with a shit excuse is another. Cheating should never happen if both people are committed to each other.

Don’t settle for someone that can’t even respect you enough to tell you the truth and to keep his hands off another girl.

3. Learn to compromise.
I’m not saying you should also to agree with your partner 24/7. In a relationship, you have to value the other person’s wants, and it’s not always about your wants. If you guys had sushi last week and your partner wants pho, go to pho. Don’t argue about it, just go with the flow. However, that doesn’t mean you should accept everything he wants. If he wants to have a stripper giving him a lap dance for no special occasion and you feel uncomfortable about that, let him know.

4. Love Yourself First
There’s a popular saying, “You can’t expect someone to love you if you can’t love yourself.” I believe that wholeheartedly. I’ve been with people who were extremely insecure and it’s a big turn off. I have insecurities but not to the point where I’d hate myself and doubt myself. Learn to love yourself – spend time discovering who you are, pamper yourself, be alone for a while.

5. Be Independent
There’s nothing more than I hate to see a girl that’s extremely dependent and clingy to their boyfriend. If you’re that clingy, I believe you’re not ready to be in a relationship. Not only does it make you look clingy/attached, it suffocates your significant other. Being independent doesn’t mean I don’t need help and support from my boyfriend. It means I don’t need him to show my with expensive gifts on a daily basis, it means I don’t need him to tag along when I do grocery shopping or when I’m invited to a birthday party that he doesn’t want to go. Being independent is attractive, trust me. But, if your man likes to feel wanted, don’t be tooooo independent ;).

What are some of the lessons you’ve learned from your relationships?

Letter #1 – An Open Letter to my Ex

 

Dear what’s your face,

You’re a married man. We haven’t talked for a few years since I cut you out of my life, and to be honest, I have no desire to keep in contact with you.

So, when you were off getting married to your “soul mate” whom you’ve just met a few months ago, I’ve been living on with my life and having a relationship of my own. My own soul mate.

I understand that your new wife is still out of the country, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to start texting me.

I don’t appreciate your efforts into getting back in touch with me. I don’t appreciate you calling me “hun” in your messages, or telling me to have “wet dreams” when you bid me goodnight. I don’t appreciate you dropping off instantly when I refuse your advances to meet up – why do you message me constantly and the moment I say no to your request, you flat out ignore me for a bit?

I’m not a home wrecker and never will be – especially if it comes to you. I don’t plan on ruining what I have going on in my life. I don’t plan on ever seeing you again, or “meeting up” with you again.

It’s not that I hate you, I’m actually indifferent about you. I know you don’t have the right intentions, and probably never will.

I’m happy you’re no longer in my life. The thought of you bring a horrible pit feeling to my stomach. You bring thing ball of negativity into my life that I really don’t need or miss.

So, for the sake of your own marriage and your lovely wife, please stop sending messages to hook up. I’m not down for that shit. I have too much to lose for just one single night.

Sincerely,
Your uninterested ex.