Claiming my Confidence Back

If you know me in real life, you’ll probably laugh and couldn’t believe that I was once often described as outgoing, fierce, confident, and even intimidating.

Shit, I can’t believe my peers used to describe as that as well!

Now, I’m often told I’m quiet. And you know, I wasn’t born loud and confident either. I was born a quiet and shy person and only started to come out of my shell when I got a job at Best Buy as a sales associate shortly after high school. Ever since that job, I felt like a different person but since turning 24, I sort of fell back to my old ways.

I’m quiet. I’m shy. I care about what people think. I don’t speak with my true voice. I hide my thoughts and opinions. I look down at the sidewalk when I walk. I don’t take as many selfies as I used to, or post videos. I get self-conscious and confused.

That’s not who I am. That was who I was back in high school.

A few months ago, shit hit the fan with Dan and our mutual friends group. I felt really betrayed by everyone in our group and I had enough of that “it wasn’t my place to tell you” bullshit.

During my recovery process, I felt like I needed an answer to the final question from this one girl in our group. I have put it off for nearly a month because I was afraid of her. I was afraid of what she would think about the whole situation. I was afraid of any potential clap back she might give me. I was afraid that she’ll talk behind my back and tell everyone how stupid she thinks I am.

But, I did it anyways and even when she was telling me the answer that I needed to move on and heal, I was still afraid of what she thought and felt about me and the whole situation.

During the recovery process, I also deleted my Facebook and Instagram, and even then I was still afraid and worried about what she would think of my actions. And it’s not just her, I was also afraid of another person in the group. I was scared that they’ll call me out for my actions, calling me immature and dumb. I was prepared to apologize for “going rogue” if I ever decide to log back into FB and Insta.

A few days ago, I saw this quote on Reddit and it hit home.

Why did I care so damn much about what this girl thinks of me? Why did I feel like I needed her approval in my life? If I wanted to delete my social media profiles, I shouldn’t have to explain or apologize why I did it. If she wants to tell people how much drama I am causing in the group, then go be it. I just didn’t know why I cared and worried over that. And it’s not just her but everyone. I don’t want to seek approval from anyone anymore.

After seeing that post, I told myself that I am going to reclaim my confidence. I want to be described as intimidating, confidence, and outgoing. Yeah, I’m quiet because I don’t have much to say but that doesn’t mean I want to lack confidence. People can be quiet and still give a strong aura.


An old friend told me that when you turn 25 and hit the “quarter-life crisis” you start to doubt everything and the confidence starts to wither away but it picks back up later.

I’m ready to pick up my confidence and erase my doubts. I’m tired of trying to please everyone and seek other people’s validating when just two years ago I was a firecracker. I’m tired of being afraid to live my life. I’m tired of being afraid to tell people my thoughts and feelings in fear of what they might think of me.

I’m ready to be my self again, and I’m reading to take a shit ton of videos and selfies.

Letter #3 – Losing you is my life’s biggest regret

Dear Dee,

I know this is a long shot and you’ll probably never see this letter but I just wanted to get it out there.

You were my best friend growing up. You were there through it all and I threw away a decade of friendship over the dumbest reason – a boy.

I was young and immature. We both were. I was getting annoyed and blamed the fall of our friendship on you when I played a part in it as well.

I still remember that night vividly when I walked away from your birthday party. I thought I was defending my boyfriend but in hindsight, I was walking away from our friendship, and that boyfriend became my ex shortly.

I remember Joere and Farhad telling me that I should make amends, and they were telling me that you miss me and wanted to talk to me. But I just dodged your calls and texts. I felt so angry when I felt like you were talking about your boyfriend 24/7 and not acknowledging my feelings or how my day went. I kept on calling you selfish and making excuses to not amend our friendship.

I went through such a dark period in my life but I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell you that Sukh and I broke up. I grew insanely envious and bitter that you were still with Farhad when I should’ve been happy that you found someone you loved so dearly. I was a shit friend back then.

I remember a few years ago, you haunted my dreams. I took Madison’s advice and sent you a message through Facebook but you left me on read. I don’t blame you but I was hoping you would message back asking for a coffee catch up or something. I miss you dearly.

You still haunt my dreams and I debate if I should reach out again. You moved on from our friendship, but I obviously didn’t. Losing you as my best friend is my biggest regret in life and I wish I could turn back time. I am so sorry for the way I treated you when I was insecure about myself and my relationship. You were my best friend; a great friend. You were always there when I needed you. You were my shopping buddy, my food buddy, my movie buddy.

I don’t know what you’re doing right now but I hope you’re doing well and happy. I bet you are now a strong and beautiful woman carving the best life for yourself. I hope you still think about our friendship once in a while.

And I hope that you could forgive my dumb, immature young self one day because if you ever gave me a chance for a coffee date, I’ll take it in a heartbeat.

Journal Entry #008

Friday, February 8th, 2019

Oh boy, it’s the week before Valentine’s Day (and Dan’s birthday)!

I won’t lie – this year, I haven’t planned anything for his birthday or V-Day. I think it’s because we’re travelling this year and agreed that it’s not worth blowing money on these two days… plus, we also don’t have any friends to celebrate it with, haha.

I called in sick to work so I had the day off today. Headaches are the worst, and they’re even worse when you drown yourself in painkillers and they still won’t go away!

I spent today looking at grad school. I’ve been having this itch lately to go back to school and my colleague, Sophie, told me there are Master programs out there that don’t require a thesis. The only reason why I’ve never considered a Master’s program is because I don’t believe I could ever complete and defend a thesis. I wouldn’t even know what to write my thesis on. I would rather do projects and essays than write a thesis.

So, I’ve compiled a list of potential Master programs to take when I settle back at home. I’m looking to do it online so I can balance work and not take any more student loans either.


My roommate Tiffany purchased these gluten-free Lamington (like a chocolate cake with coconut). They’re soooo yummy so I took a picture for reference. They would make a good Aussie gift for our friend, Tiffany back at home.

Last Friday, we also went to the famous Crown Casino in the city. I’ve seen it a million times and finally got to go visit it. I don’t know why but even though I have no clue how to gamble aside from hitting the slot machines, I love casinos. The atmosphere is fun and they got pretty cool lounges.

The Crown Casino really reminded me of Las Vegas. It’s so much better than the casinos we have back at home.

Prior to hitting the casino, we stopped by Viva Kebabs for a Halal Snack Pack (HSP) which is equivalent to the Canadian poutine but with tons more toppings. It’s fries, with melted cheese curds, meat (usually chicken and/or lamb) and a bunch of sauces. 10/10 would order again!

I withdrew $20 and Dan withdrew $100 so in total, we lost $120 that night. Didn’t hit a single row in my slot machines and Dan lost his playing blackjack.

The highlight of that night was when we both had to go to the bathroom. Like anywhere else, there was a line up in the women’s. By the time I came out, I found this girl full on hitting on Dan.

So, it’s really rare for me to get jealous when it comes to Dan and girls. I didn’t go bat-shit crazy on this girl. I just stood there and laughed at the entire situation and basically waited until Dan finished telling this girl off. When she turned around to see me, she literally was yelling “is this her?!”.

Like, yep – this is me. Dan said she was trashy wasted, lol.


I’m taking this weekend to catch up on blog posts and write some of my own. There are a few I got in mind and just need to transfer it on to “paper”.

Also, our local movie theatre is having an early screening for Alita: Battle Angel movie! We’re catching it tomorrow night at 7PM and I can’t wait to spoil it for those back home (lulz jks).

Have a great weekend!

Journal Entry #007

Monday, January 28th, 2019

I said it once and I’m going to say it again… January 2019 is done already?! The first and last month of the year always flies by for me. I can’t believe this is my last entry of the month!

I’m quite proud of myself lately. 2019 has been a great start so far in terms of finally getting around to one of my goals that I always set year after year. And that is… learning how to cook.

Prior to the start of the year, I Googled and snapped pictures of easy, peasy, lemon squeezy recipes and saved them onto my Google Notes app to sort of make an online recipe book. I think of the things that failed in the past was I would always dive head first and get overwhelmed by all these ingredients and cooking methods. I had to realize that even professionals had to start somewhere so I broke it down into easy recipes so I can master the techniques and get comfortable working with different ingredients.

Dan and I sat down to make a weekly dinner plan so we also won’t be tempted to order out or drop by the supermarket and spend $30 on one dinner. The other day, I felt so cheesy that we’re one of those families that have declared Wednesday nights as meatloaf nights.

Shit quality but first time making meatloaf! We followed an easy one pan meatloaf dinner recipe w/ broccoli and sweet potato.

Following Vivian’s recommendation, I dragged Dan to try out Sakura Kaiten Sushi and oh my lord, it’s the best sushi we’ve had since arriving in Melbourne! There was a small line up when we went but it was sooooo worth it. It took me by surprise how cozy and small the restaurant was. Definitely an intimate place to have dinner.

And, did I mention that this is another sushi train restaurant?! It’s not as cool was Genki Sushi in Tokyo but better than Sushi Hub!

Since it’s a sushi train, we pay by the dishes and each colour of the dishes represent a different price. I think we picked out most of the $3-something plates.

The damage!

We have also been trying new local restaurants as well! We went to Burger Bliss for some delicious burgers – they got very yummy fries, and Wings of Glory for some good ol’ chicken wings. We only went to Wings of Glory because I found a Groupon deal, lol.


So, taking 10-20 minutes walks throughout the day is highly encouraged by my team at work so I’ve been starting to go on daily walks after my lunch. Now only does it kill time (haha), but it also makes me feel like I’m burning off some calories from my lunch. I work in Footscray and it’s surrounded by very nice graffiti murals.

Dan’s dad also requested us to find a book called The Killer Koala and we tracked it down via an online store. It’s somewhat of a rarity I suppose because very few stocks were available online and most of the ones we found were on Amazon or eBay for almost $100! We got the book for only $30 with free shipping.

Dan has finished reading it and I heard him chuckle a few times throughout the book so I’m keen on reading it as well before we ship it back to Canada for Dan’s dad.

Journal Entry #006

Friday, January 11th, 2019

I can’t believe it’s almost halfway through January! January is one of those months that always flies by for me, regardless if my life is eventful or not.

I’m currently sick right now. I don’t know what happened but Thursday morning on my way to work, I was just hit with motion sickness that wouldn’t go away so I left work early to rest up. This morning, I woke up without the nausea but just sharp headaches and a very achy body. You know the type of achy-ness that comes with fevers? Where you feel like you’re an 80 year old old nanny and the aches just seeps into your bones? I have that right now as I type this journal entry, lol.

The good thing about being stuck at home like an 80 year old granny is the fact that I’m able to finally catch up on blogs, write new entries, and discover new blogs. I really want to keep consistent with my blogging this year and grow my blog.

I was looking through my Google Photos and have a back log of photos… so, here’s a photo dump!

Where are all my B99 fans?! This shirt is from Greyline AU and I just had to buy it after seeing the Instagram ad for it. I got one for Dan as well but his shirt says Amazing Genius/Detective lol.

Dan’s mom sent us pictures of Cooper and look at how big he has gotten in just two years! As you can tell from the picture, I’m a dog aunt. Cooper belongs to Tyler, Dan’s older brother.


Last Friday, we went on a walking ghost tour! This would be my third one (lol, I know right?) and it was great. I found Lantern Ghost Tours off Groupon but otherwise, I normally wouldn’t pay full price for these activities. The host, Jason, was very good and the tour was fun. A lot to learn about Melbourne and its criminal past.

The other two ghost tours I’ve been on was back in Seattle and Vancouver. For those who think it’s ridiculous… I honestly recommend trying a ghost tour… you may just get into it like I did! This was Dan’s first ghost tour and he said he had a great time as well.

Also, during the daytime, it was hella hot… like 42 degrees Celsius hot.

I’ve never experience this heat before. The moment I left my nice air-con office, I felt my eyes being dehydrated asap. It was a weird feeling.

I’m trying to cook more and save money instead of always ordering out. I tried this recipe I found online for spicy tuna avocado wraps and it was the bomb dot com. I ended up making the same thing 2 days later because it was sooooo good and hella easy and cheap to make.

That’s all from me! I’ll try to keep consistent with my blogging so I don’t have a backlog of entries and photos to spam.

Journal Entry #005

Saturday, December 29th, 2018

LOL, I honestly can’t help but laugh when I look at how consistent I am at blogging… because I can have spurts of 10 entries scheduled and then be quiet for the remainder of the month or two.

I can’t believe it’s the end of the year already! It’s surreal to think 2019 is coming. I think 2020 would be a little mind boggling for me because I remember vividly as a kid that 2020 seems AGES away. I used to pull out the calculator and calculate how old I’ll be in 2020 or 2050, etc.

During the last couple of days at work when it’s been really quiet, I was thinking a lot about my blog and how excited I am for the posts that I need to catch up on. I think in 2019, I’ll like to put a lot more effort into my blog and stop being so shy about it. I’m a lot more comfortable telling Dan when I’m doing blog stuff so that’s a start, right?

In the first few weeks of January, I think I’ll have to backtrack to a few days/moment in December that I want to share and document.

Anyways, I have a bunch of unread posts to catch up on on my WordPress Reader and Bloglovin…

So, a belated Merry Christmas wish to you, and a Happy New Year!

See you guys in 2019.

Journal Entry #004

Sunday, December 9th, 2018

The other day, I was thinking about how quickly December is flying by already… like, the first week is done! It’s funny because back in November, it was hella slow.

On Friday, I mailed out two gift packages back to Canada – one for my family, and one for my old work family. Apparently, there’s something going on with Canada Post so only expedited service was available (T__T) so I literally spent $120 in postage yesterday, but I guess they’ll get it in 4 days? If I knew how quickly it’d get there, I wouldn’t have rushed! Plus, on Friday, it was a high of 36 degrees and I felt the chocolate bars melting when I was preparing my packages. 

A small incident occurred with sending gifts back home that caused me to get really mad at Dan so when he came back from work, we had a huge chat about everything, primarily our relationship. I won’t go into big details but shit happened and I took a break from it all back at the start of November.

I think we both needed the talk because I was finally able to cry and fully talk about what happened. He had a clearer picture because he didn’t realize how hurt I was from everything and everyone and why I felt the way I feel towards our group of friends. We talked about the future of our relationship, our feelings, and what we’re going to do from here on out. I think there was a big gap that wasn’t addressed properly after the whole incident blew up and this talk was able to fill the gap.

Regardless, I feel like I still need to take a break but it’s much, much better than it was last month. 


Yesterday we went on a big date day to the Old Melbourne Gaol. Today, I finished writing about our date day just a few hours ago. 

We also started watching The Haunting of Hill House and I normally don’t do well with horror but this isn’t as scary as people make it out to be. I mean, I’m only on the second episode but it’s a bit of a slow start.

It’s a very lazy day today and that’s exactly how I love my Sundays. Tomorrow, I’m meal prepping and visiting a local laser hair removal clinic for a consultant (and maybe my first session?!). I’ve been wanting to get my underarms done for the longest time and being in Melbourne, I was getting tired of shaving my underarms everyday. Also, they have a summer sale of $9 per session… so why not?

Oh, I have great news as well! I start full-time work on Tuesday! Unfortunately, it’s not with ME but with a health organization, I interviewed for last week. The commute isn’t as bad as I thought it would be – I mean, not as close as it would’ve been if I worked with ME, but whatever. I can use that time to relax and listen to some audiobooks. 

The great thing about the role is the fact that it’s exactly 6 months! It fits perfectly with my visa restriction and they’re understanding that I’m here to travel and would be flexible with any future trips.

Anyways, Dan is cooking a salmon Alfredo spaghetti thing (can you tell how much I know about Italian cuisine? lol) for dinner tonight and I’m super excited for that yummy meal 🙂